There are some wounds that just don't ever fully heal.
The realization struck me tonight as a was driving down a tree covered 2 lane road with my 14 year old daughter and found myself desperately trying to reign in my wild horse of emotions. Brinkley had asked what seemed like an innocuous question. “Mommy what happened when I was 5 and had I quit dance lessons right before my recital.” I quickly found I had a catch in my throat and my eyes were immediately filled with tears. I’m thankful I was able to hold back the “ugly cry”. What my daughter didn’t realize and what I had failed to appreciate was that some wounds remain etched deeply in our hearts hiding in dark corners. Time helps heal with layers and layers of positive self talk and a healthy dose of out of sight, out of mind. But deep down in those dark places the wound is there.... waiting for a Tuesday afternoon drive down a 2 lane ride.
Dance lessons are expensive as any dance mom knows. I’d bought and scrounged for the three, YES THREE, types of required shoes: tap, ballet and jazz. And that was just what she needed to start the darn class. The Spring recital rolled up like a gangster requiring 3 costume changes (these were 5 year olds, mind you) plus plus PLUS a recital fee. Exhausted by the math and stretched thin, I forked over the money for the outfits but had put off paying the recital fee until the next month. Spread out the payments. Ya know, that's the smart thing to do.
Well... the next month happened to be April 2011. That is the month my marriage blew up and life as I’d known it ended. I won’t go into details but to put it simply, there was no extra money for the recital fee. I had to pull my precious blue-eyed slightly clumsy but exuberantly happy kid out of the class and out of the recital. I was devastated. She was slightly annoyed and confused. She took it far better than her 34 year old Mommy. Pick an emotion and I promise I felt it. Deeply. In those dark places.
Sitting here right now with wet mascara streaked across my face, I know for sure no amount of time will heal that wound. And that’s okay. I don’t need it to heal. It happened. It was awful but it happened. Tonight, I feel these emotions with my mascara streaked across my face, a new marriage and 9 years of life lived since 'The Recital'. I stand here with that 34 year old mama inside of me and I honor her. I honor why she still cries. I stand with her because she stood up for her kids and made sure they’d never miss another dance recital. I hold the space for her to cry ugly because she fought to give her kids the life she wanted them to have not the life handed to her. She is my hero! I stand with her and I will hold the tears she still needs to cry.
So while The Recital wound will stay woven into my heart and into the fabric of my life, I know it will be okay. I see clearly now what I couldn't have seen or known then. WE ARE MORE THAN 'THE RECITAL'. We made it through. We made it through together. We made it through together well. The Recital doesn't bring me shame or regret anymore. It brings me to my knees in thanksgiving for the mama who absorbed the hit and kept on going. If you need someone to hold your tears and stand with you through your version of April 2011, please reach out. As a certified life coach, I am here for you and I honor you.