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Bryann Owen Zielinski, C.P.C.

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rebuildingwithbryann@gmail.com

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No Regrets!

Updated: Mar 28, 2019

5 things to avoid doing to make your divorce journey less crappy.


Let’s be real honest, divorce SUCKS! Now that we all agree on that, what can we do about it? Well, we certainly don’t want to make it SUCK even more. Unfortunately, many many people do just that during their divorce. They dig for themselves a deeper hole than the hole their ex dug for them and then pile all the leftover dirt back unto themselves making a bad situation even SUCKIER (something tells me that might not be a real word). Getting out of a SUCKY hole is hard enough, am I right? In this post I’m going to talk about 5 mistakes that people often make during divorce that makes their hole the SUCKIEST sucky hole ever.



Divorce Regrets: 5 things to avoid doing.


1) Don’t get hateful

Take the high road whenever possible. Court records are public documents and people often forget that. You don’t want all your dirty laundry out there for everyone to see and read (including your kids one day). Don’t go through your divorce with your primary feeling being anger. It will taint every conversation, every text, every holiday, and every single day. Getting bogged down and irked over every text will only send you back to your pain. Anger will steal all your joy. Hate will rob you of self-love. Love your kids (and yourself) more than you love revenge. Love your kids more than you love justice. That’s a hard one because in our society we want things to be fair. We want bad behavior punished and good behavior rewarded. Well let me be the first one to tell you that our family court system is not designed to function on those principles. Anger will focus you on pulling your ex into that hole with you instead of you getting your ass out of that hole.

2) Don’t Focus All Your Attention On Your Ex

He isn’t thinking about you! So, don’t let him live in your head rent free. Evict that mofo. Obsessing about what he is doing, where he is and who he is with will only ONLY bring you pain. Trust me, you don’t need to know. You may want to know but you don’t need to know. Divorce is hard. You’ve got a hole to climb out of, let’s not forgot. All your energy needs to be directed towards pulling yourself up and out and into the light of a new life. One of my jobs as a life coach is to hold my clients accountable to themselves. No more Facebook stalking. Choose to stalk YOUR new life not his!

3) Be Careful Where You Get Advice

Not all advice is good advice. Your friends and family love you and certainly mean well. But unfortunately, their advice can be biased or tainted by their own experiences. Your married friends, especially those struggling in their own marriages, will project their feelings onto you and can give you the very worst advice unintentionally. Don’t get me wrong, family and friends are a crucial part of your support system but you have to know they have limitation. Let them love on you and shower you with care but get your advice from a therapist, life coach or faith adviser.

4) Don’t Share Every Single Ugly Detail

Court records are still public information as you remember from the #1. However, the biggest reason I say this is because revealing too much exposes you to additional judgement and criticism which makes the hole you’re in deeper and deeper. A sad reality of divorce is the loss of friends and family. It happens. If you haven’t experienced it yet, you will. I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings—it’s true! Ask anyone who has been divorced and I would guarantee they shared things with people who ended up stabbing them in the back or shared that info with other people. Either way, it hurts. People can be voracious for details but this is a need to know situation and they DO NOT need to know in order to support you. If their support is contingent on them knowing “all the facts” then I’d say you don’t want that kind of support. I would encourage you to reserve your deep thoughts and confessions for a professional who can do more than just lend you an ear.

5) Don’t Sink Into Escapism

Keep your damn clothes on! Don’t turn to dating websites, promiscuous sex, drinking or pills to make you feel better. It won’t help. There is a myriad of reasons to avoid those coping tricks least of all is that it makes your journey out of your divorce hole longer and harder and suckier. You (and your kids) need you at your best. This is not the time to escape and run from the pain. It’s tempting, I know because I’ve been in your shoes. Trust me when I say you have to stand in this place in order to get through it. If you try to escape it, yes time will pass but you will not make any forward progress. Please don’t delay to create your best new life. There will be time for the dating and all the things later. I promise! There is no such thing as a perfect divorce. You are going to come out of that divorce hole dirty! Everyone will look back and wish they had done this or that differently. Hopefully by avoiding these few things your journey through divorce will be easier, faster and less regrettable. Please send me questions or thoughts or stories. I’d love to hear from you.



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